I was sitting in my room. Cutting vegetables for food. Just like anyother day, I had to prepare the meal before anyone could come around the kitchen looking for food.
Just when I had almost finished peeling the third potato, the doorbell rang. I figured it must be Khanum, our next door neighbor. She had been going through a traumatic life experience. Perhaps, that has made her bitter and excessively negative. Nevertheless, I welcomed her in with a smile. She came, she sat and she spoke. Like always, her taunts targeting issues from Pakistan's politics to her own house. And then, her guns of bitterness turned to me. How absolutely useless life I have been living. She made me realize how I was wasting my time sitting there and how perhaps, my attempts at laughter are nothing but a failed attempt to coverup my real depression. Am I really depressed? I wondered. Her confident glance cut through my nervous laughter and deeply pieced into my heart. I gulped down hard. My eyelids feeling suddenly too heavy. My shoulders bogged with the pressure of her stares. Depressed? I thought..
And then, the doorbell rang again. Distracted for a moment, I gathered my recently shattered and exposed self to check the door. This time, It was our front door neighbor. Suraiya. She was young, energetic but recently had been undergoing bouts of depression. The local muhalla rumor suggested that she had failed to make a good career. Nevertheless, with a smile, I welcomed her in too. Suraiya and Khanum exchanged salams and sat to catch up on the local gossip. And then, as if, ensuring that the topic stays alive, Khanum brings up my sadness again. This time, in front of Suraiya. I feel too tired, too drenched and too embarrassed to face, acknowledge or resist. I just look up and shake my head, distracted and lost. Too confused rather to even think. Khanum now with Suriya excitedly start giving me totkas to brighten my life, to cheer myself and to put happiness back. They highlight how dark my life has been and how I've always tried denying it.
Just then, the doorbell rings for the third time. Bringing me back into the room from my thoughts, I glance at my watch. I realize how just 30mins with these two ladies have seemed like eternity. My head is pounding. My body suddenly feels so heavy. I feel feverish. So much negativity around. So much of everything wrong. Is there even anything right around I wonder.
At the door, I find Sakina standing. Another bright, middle aged, successfully married lady from the neighborhood. She has dropped in to say hi and share some freshly baked bread. There's something about her confident smile. She hugs me tight which somehow shakes and wakes me up. Her warmth makes me feel good suddenly.
She enters the room, greets the two and sits right beside me. The room suddenly seems brighter, happier. Much happier. Khanum and Suraiya invite Sakina to comment on my sadness. Sakina turns to me, confused she looks at me. She says she sees nothing but a beautiful smile. I feel a bit surprised. But realize that she isn't faking. I feel her hand hold me tight. It sends some sort of signals.
If we really really really zoom into our brain, travel further into our neurons and pick up just one case of how neurons interact. We realize their interaction is nothing less than a conversation of Khanum, Suraiya, Sakina and me. Some neurons are constantly sending out signals like Khanum and Suraiya; while some are confidently shining up like Sakina.
Zoom out a bit. And we find our thoughts follow the same mechanism too. The decision to entertain which thought lies with us. Proactive fighting. Not reactive impulses. For Khanums and Suraiyas in our brain catch us offguard and shatter us apart even without us realizing. We then go around sheepishly believing them, living a life of sadness without a reason. We empower the thoughts which were meant to be countered with the energy of Sakina.
We fail to brutally take out our weapons, burst our bubbles of sadness and jerk our minds out of the illusion of sadness.
For we were made to live a happy, healthy and positive life. It doesn't mean that we don't get hit by Khanums/Suraiyas. It only means, we recognize the Sakinas within.
For it all starts with a doorbell. It all starts with one single thought.
Just when I had almost finished peeling the third potato, the doorbell rang. I figured it must be Khanum, our next door neighbor. She had been going through a traumatic life experience. Perhaps, that has made her bitter and excessively negative. Nevertheless, I welcomed her in with a smile. She came, she sat and she spoke. Like always, her taunts targeting issues from Pakistan's politics to her own house. And then, her guns of bitterness turned to me. How absolutely useless life I have been living. She made me realize how I was wasting my time sitting there and how perhaps, my attempts at laughter are nothing but a failed attempt to coverup my real depression. Am I really depressed? I wondered. Her confident glance cut through my nervous laughter and deeply pieced into my heart. I gulped down hard. My eyelids feeling suddenly too heavy. My shoulders bogged with the pressure of her stares. Depressed? I thought..
And then, the doorbell rang again. Distracted for a moment, I gathered my recently shattered and exposed self to check the door. This time, It was our front door neighbor. Suraiya. She was young, energetic but recently had been undergoing bouts of depression. The local muhalla rumor suggested that she had failed to make a good career. Nevertheless, with a smile, I welcomed her in too. Suraiya and Khanum exchanged salams and sat to catch up on the local gossip. And then, as if, ensuring that the topic stays alive, Khanum brings up my sadness again. This time, in front of Suraiya. I feel too tired, too drenched and too embarrassed to face, acknowledge or resist. I just look up and shake my head, distracted and lost. Too confused rather to even think. Khanum now with Suriya excitedly start giving me totkas to brighten my life, to cheer myself and to put happiness back. They highlight how dark my life has been and how I've always tried denying it.
Just then, the doorbell rings for the third time. Bringing me back into the room from my thoughts, I glance at my watch. I realize how just 30mins with these two ladies have seemed like eternity. My head is pounding. My body suddenly feels so heavy. I feel feverish. So much negativity around. So much of everything wrong. Is there even anything right around I wonder.
At the door, I find Sakina standing. Another bright, middle aged, successfully married lady from the neighborhood. She has dropped in to say hi and share some freshly baked bread. There's something about her confident smile. She hugs me tight which somehow shakes and wakes me up. Her warmth makes me feel good suddenly.
She enters the room, greets the two and sits right beside me. The room suddenly seems brighter, happier. Much happier. Khanum and Suraiya invite Sakina to comment on my sadness. Sakina turns to me, confused she looks at me. She says she sees nothing but a beautiful smile. I feel a bit surprised. But realize that she isn't faking. I feel her hand hold me tight. It sends some sort of signals.
If we really really really zoom into our brain, travel further into our neurons and pick up just one case of how neurons interact. We realize their interaction is nothing less than a conversation of Khanum, Suraiya, Sakina and me. Some neurons are constantly sending out signals like Khanum and Suraiya; while some are confidently shining up like Sakina.
Zoom out a bit. And we find our thoughts follow the same mechanism too. The decision to entertain which thought lies with us. Proactive fighting. Not reactive impulses. For Khanums and Suraiyas in our brain catch us offguard and shatter us apart even without us realizing. We then go around sheepishly believing them, living a life of sadness without a reason. We empower the thoughts which were meant to be countered with the energy of Sakina.
We fail to brutally take out our weapons, burst our bubbles of sadness and jerk our minds out of the illusion of sadness.
For we were made to live a happy, healthy and positive life. It doesn't mean that we don't get hit by Khanums/Suraiyas. It only means, we recognize the Sakinas within.
For it all starts with a doorbell. It all starts with one single thought.
Impressive!
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