Of disciplining.

There are two ways to handle a baby.
Either you do as they say or you tame them according to your own comfort.

Either you tame them to sleep and be fed when you want. Perfect disciplined mommy. Or you give in and be there for them as and when they need you.

Parenting articles and experts tell me that I can tame Zainab to suit my comfort now. I can tame her to sleep late so that I can attend social gatherings in a human costume. I can even alter her feeding times to suit my ease.

Or. I can choose to follow her natural course or needs.

Research generally favors the second. Much natural and a rather sane humanistic way. If an infant is howling and is sleepy, you put the infant to sleep. It generally leads to better attachment, creating comfort of trust. Of stronger bonding. Of love. Of security. 

Of relationship.

Perhaps it is the same with God. I tamed my understanding of Him, altered and crafted His definition to suit my comfort. I schedule His needs of me to suit my ease. More often I do what He recommends first and then maybe someday somewhere I pause to do what He obligates. Putting Him secondary and tailoring to suit my ease does not importantly bring any harm. But yes, I suppose I could have better attachment and undetstanding of Him if I liberate Him from my limiting comforting definitions that I create to hush my guilt of taming Him. I forget. I am not bargaining with Him. I cant. I am merely taming my understanding of Him. With Him, nothing to lose. With me, probably everything to.

Heaven.

To You.

Sitting in the bathroom, hiding away from my sleeping daughter, I quickly scribble my thoughts before Zainab wakes up. Something you would totally scold me for doing.

Ambitiously changing the world by working on grassroot projects or working 9-5 to contribute to the social evolution of this world is one thing but being suddenly given a blessing to takecare of is another. It is like, here, a piece of you and your partner. Now go raise this little thing for future.

I wonder. How did you do it?

To your early mornings and wisdom.
To your four slices of bread and jam.
To listening eagerly to my stories after school.
To the dinner talks after work.
To the times when you preferred me studying than cooking.
To the times when you said, you can learn to cook anytime like anyother girl or boy, focus now on what you are passionate about.
To making me fall in love with my Present. Each time.
To making me believe in Present.

To the mom that never conservatively reduced me to domestic chores to the daughter sitting and lovingly baking cookies today.

To the times where I loved studies and job.
To the times where alongwith, I am now loving my daughter.

To the times where I hated cooking.
To the time where I am googling and experimenting tastes.

To the tough moments. To the rough ones.
To each when you taught me not to go bitter with life.

They say the heaven lies beneath your feet. I say you weaved the heaven and continue teaching me to weave the heaven out of Life.

We all get sufferings. You, my human, taught me not to go bitter with sufferings.

I am yet to meet a human with such profound, peaceful and positive view on life as you.

What more. You even taught me to find and cherish humans like you.

You gave me the believe, the hope that what you are to me is not just because you are my mom. You gave me the hope to find more who weave heavens around.

If anything, I am addicted to your positivity.

But the issue is you are my mom and I am scribbling this out on a day made to honor people like you.

I have a deeper believe, a firm faith, that those who do not have a mom, have somebody like mom, if not so, bear witness, they have God directly themselves.

I wish, pray, hope and perhaps somewhere try to weave a heaven of Present. It is workable. For you did it. For you told me and showed me how God does give you heaven if you thank Him enough. For a Heaven in now is the most beautiful gift. For I want Zainab to at least be half as lucky as me if not absolutely. And for that, I need to try and weave a Heaven like you. A heaven of love, warmth, possibilities and positivity.

Selfish

Infants, I suppose the most selfish of all beings. They don't care whether you're sitting in a wedding or starting to sip your 5th time microwaved coffee. If they need a diaper change. They do. Right at that moment. If they need your feed. They do. Be it 3am in the morning or in the middle of an airplane packed with gazillion men. If they need their mom. They need her. No matter where she is and what she is doing. A million dollar toy to babyshop toy. Nothing will soothe a baby who needs her mommy. Except well the mommy.

Zainab made me realize so. She is so beautifully selfish. So careless and selfish in what she needs of me.

I wish that was just the way I could hold onto God. Careless about how far I have walked from Him and how empty I feel of Him. Selfish about just needing Him back.

And that is one thing that Zainab has made me think about again and again and again.

To be absolutely selfish in my need of Him. To squeeze my eyes and cry out loud shattering all illusions of emptiness within. To clench unto His presence even if the mere 'I' in me is struggling to find. To nod my head and cry further in my need of Him when comforting illusions and distractions hit me. I never thought there could be something beautifully selfish. As beautifully selfish as Zainab calling for me, as beautifully selfish as clenching unto the God I miss.