The story of every "other".
Back in school, there was a time when our teachers persuaded us to teach English and basic subjects to house help staff at home.
I gladly, charged with newly found mission of life, stormed across the house with English books and new notebooks to our old maid. I was bent on making her replace her nap with English learning sessions.
Sadly, what I could never understand was: She did not need my help. She did not need to learn English. If it was something that she truly wanted to learn then it was how to read an urdu newspaper and scribble out the grocery on paper/do quick maths for grocery.
But I had a completely different, perfectly convinced picture of how to help this other. She needed me after all. Sadly, she did not.
Recently a friend of mine, over coffee, recalled a similar experience from her yester days:
"During my annual summer break back in 2010, there was a friend visiting me. She found me sitting quietly staring at my laptop screen in my room, weirdly zoned out. She tried breaking into a conversation, which made me put down my laptop and focus on talking. I was however still deeply lost in what I had been watching. It was nothing but an intense show that I had passionately loved.
Given my lost sense of everything, she concluded I sounded depressed and needed help. She kept forcing me to change and hang out with others.
I did not feel so. I was absolutely comfortable where I was."
And there lies the problem.
The problem of helping.
The problem of being raised to be noble. The problem of being praised to be noble. The issue of individually and collectively celebrating/cherishing the whole idea of "let's help them".
Because in order to help "them", I ought to be stemming from a perfect life as a savior to others.
The problem lies in children being taught by naive parents: See that poor kid down that shabby road, look, he can't even afford food, look at yourself. You are being picky about cheese on fries?
Why is that a problem?
Because it inculcates a sense of privilege. A fluid sense of "I stand on concrete road looking down at a kid down that shabby road with nothing. Oh, well, but I am not happy here. Oh well, but I have some bread. Let me go give this to the kid."
We disguise our generosity. We are not being generous. We are not being helpful. We wrongly label "self gratification" as "helping".
Observing, deducing, concluding "problems and solutions" for "others" on behalf of "others", for "others", is just plain selfish. It is as wrong as a superpower deciding to intervene into an establishment with its own "methods" of helping.
We assume superiority since childhood. We have something that they don't.
Remember those wise old lectures - "Poor are still more satisfied than rich." Yep, well, that inculcates a complicated equation of materialistic superiority with a tinge of internal emptiness. It inevitably leads us to barter. We step out with our materialistic possessions to give away, save the poor. It gives us happiness.
If giving away blindly based on assumptions of what "we" think is right for "them", gives us Happiness then well, it is not happiness. It is a strong sense of recently rewarded big fat ego.
I am the Power. I was always rich. I always had the power to give away of myself.
The problem lies in assuming the problem for others.
The problem lies in how we conduct conversations, describing "others" even in the confines of our private space.
The problem lies in how "white" spoke of their "black" staff so politely yet with assertive power/expressions.
The problem lies in speaking of "others".
The problem lies in thinking of "others" with problems, because we are assuming we know something they don't.
How do we know we don't know something that they do?
And here, let me pick a pin and burst the bubble.
There is no we. There is no them.
We stand on equal footings, across time, culture, religion, color, country, economic status, lifestyle status.
From a rich school kid being taught to give his pencil to that poor kid, to a development enthusiast entering a community with his/her own strong conclusions/paradigms about the issue/solutions to the society worried about an ambitious lady sitting at home.
Pakistan and I seem to have quite a lot in common right now. Just like Pakistan, I am expressed concern by "others" over how I might not be living the life I want because I am a SAHM these days.
While I am trying to juggle and shatter my own perceptions of these "other" humans who stay home, I am also being bombarded with questions/concerns/disappointed sighs about my new role.
An old friend expressed concern over how difficult it must be for me to be living here, stuck in the kitchen, with just cooking and looking after Zainab after all these years of rigorous education and work experience.
And here is what I had to say: How do you know that it is the major problem or concern of my life right now? I might as well just be doing great and not wasting talent/skills/time just because you assume I am sitting at home at the moment.
Just because I am sitting at home does not make me less compatible, out of touch or wasted. Whether and when I work outside of my own home should be my decision.
A choice is a choice is a choice.
You have a wrong understanding of liberal and feminism if your aspirations of independent women stop her at believing everything is career. It is as limiting as old challenge of limiting women to reproduction and marriage.
I almost fell into the trap of helping these "housewives" out right after marriage. they don't need to be rescued from being housewives. They are doing quite fine. If I am facing a challenge of exploring activities outside home for myself, then yes, I may relate/connect with them and together maybe able to mobilize ourselves in our "me" time.
That, however, cannot be done if I stand here, assuming a role of a white hero here in this city to rescue housewives from their homes.
16 years ago, my house help did not want to learn English alphabets and words. She wanted to learn Urdu and basic maths to get her work done.
16 years later, today, I am not going to commit the same fallacy by assuming role of power, wear a cape and make Myself a big meal of Ego boast using what seem like helpless creatures.
There are no shabby roads and no rich kids. There are no us and no them. No others. We all stand on equal grounds across time, culture, religion, sect, color, financial and lifestyle status. We don't need to rescue others. Rendering help yes, which comes with compassion and understanding. Compassion that exits outside the compounds of our limiting assumptions. Compassion starts where the need to impose our solutions on others end.
If you really want to help, question your intention of helping, of reaching out. Then pause. reflect. over and over and over again.
Perhaps while going down that shabby road to help, you'd be able to kill your need for self gratification and see that the poor kid down there doesn't need that expensive shoe in your hand. And that is when you'd see the kid perceiving you too as the "other".
And that just about is the story of every "other". You, me. We all are the others.
