Oh, I am Sorry.

I love interacting with people from diverse cultures and backgrounds. Stemming from a country drenched in loans, corruption scandals and extreme terrorist activities, I have rarely found an opportunity to meet people from other countries in Karachi. Hence, whenever I am in Dubai to meet my family, it also serves as a forum to fulfil my passion for learning about other cultures. 

Last week, while standing at the top of the world at Burj Khalifa, enjoying the astounding sight of twinkling urban lights set across the dark horizons of wide desserts, I stumbled across an enthusiastic French guy. Hardly in his 30s, he seemed animated and full of stories. Since I was with my Indian cousins, it was natural for him to assume the same for me. 

"So Sultana, tell me how Mumbai is different from Dubai?" was just the start of an awkward 10 minutes conversation full of condolences. 

"Er, it is indeed quite different, but I see Mumbai catching up. However, I am from Karachi" I smiled broadly correcting him. 

He paused. Smiling an awkward smile, he remarked, "I am sorry, you're from Pakistan?"

"Yup, That's right". 

"Oh, I am so Sorry. I heard the things are so terrible there...I am extremely sorry. I didn't know. How do you survive there? Is it going to get any better? I personally feel we could all do something for people there. I mean, really, I am so sorry" He seemed visibly sorry. 

"It surely will get better. Well, at least, that's what we're hoping for." Awkwardness was totally in the air. I really did not know what to say after counting the number of apologies he had used in a single breath. 

I sincerely did wish that I had some fanciful skills of illustrating those lush green mountains and somehow convincing him that Pakistan was still the best place to visit. And, how, I am still not sorry for being a Pakistani. But I stopped short. Not because I doubt my skills; but because, I realized I had to rely on my skills to portray a picture of a nation which it truly is not at the moment. I am indeed, sorry. I felt like I am receiving condolences on behalf of 180 million of us, and well, I surely was. 

The feeling intensified when I landed back in Karachi. Not even 40 days had passed before another targeted attack had left 80+ humans brutally killed in Quetta. At the airport, everybody seemed to be discussing the riots, protests and political turmoil in the country. Everybody was keenly interested and deeply engrossed in number of dead from firing, which routes are blocked, how the country is just helpless and what not. One thing in particular was, they still did not seem sorry. I suddenly remembered the French guy back from my trip. 

Not just remembered, I think, I felt like him. And ever since, have been feeling so. I feel like going and offering condolences to each and every one of us sitting at home today. 

I wish I could tell the community how sorry I am. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I sit in the comforts of my apartment; away from the threats out there. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I hug my parents; unaware of the orphans left behind from the attacks. 

For I am sorry for every single time that it has happened and will happen. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have complained about closed routes and long traffic jams due to protests. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have luxuriously debated and exchanged views on the conditions of this country over a cup of coffee.

For I am sorry for every single time, I have felt that pang of excitement after hearing of a strike and no school/work tomorrow. 

For I am sorry for every single time, my friends/family living in the cute bubble of socio-economic comforts have defended this country. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have closed the chrome window and switched to facebook just because the news seemed depressing. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have switched back to entertainment channels because the casualties from the blast were low. Rather the score as we call it. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have driven past places feeling sorry for the state in which people are living. 

For I am sorry for every single tweet, every single facebook status expressing solitude over the current conditions while laughing off at a joke with a friend sitting next to me. 

For I am sorry for every single time, I have attended a religious gathering/sermon and not taken the essence of the message of Standing with the Oppressed. 

For I am sorry that it took me time to sincerely feel, realize and stand up. 

For I am sorry for not relating to the emotions of the oppressed. For I am sorry for sitting at home till now. 

But there is one thing I am absolutely not sorry for. And that is the fact that I am Sorry. I am indeed Sorry to the 270+ families whose loved ones were killed in the name of Religion in just the first 48 days of this year. 

I am Sorry Hazara and all the nameless communities/humans killed in the web of trade terrorism, politics and our ignorance/silence. I indeed, failed you. Please accept my condolences and give me a chance to Stand for You today.