Love. Magic. Human.

There are two things we can tell others to do.
What we want them to do.
or telling them to think and dream of what they want to do.

I believe it is so much easier to invest in the first than the latter.

Although given my relationship, it would be somewhat hard to accept, yet I firmly believe, even if you weren't my Abu, I'd yet consider you the best human in the world.

As I turned around to ask you what you wanted me to be, you smiled and pushed me to wonder what I want to be. Despite heavily investing your time, energy and effort in us, you strangely and oddly encouraged us to weave our own dreams and paths.

I sense you tried raising us not for yourself but for the world.

You did a brilliant job in letting us weave our paths; however, it leaves a heavy sense of responsibility. For, it is easier to give back to a father who raises a child for himself; difficult to do it for independent humans like you.

Humans bring children into this world with hopes, dreams and aspirations. It thus seems natural for them to associate their own aspirations with their children.
What amazes me is your power of raising your own children so independent of you. The days and nights of struggle, of just somehow magically making it all happen and yet and yet, letting your children be at the end of the day

You could've showcased your daughter and let strangers come in for evening tea while inspecting your daughter for marriage.

You could've been worried about your daughter's marriage. You were not.

You could've easily ever and always told me what you wanted for me.

You defy norms and society so subtely and so beautifully.

So broad and peaceful is your vision, that it never fails to amaze me.

Since I am your daughter,  it maybe hard to believe- but I still firmly believe, we need men like you for centuries who try raising Humans and not just their own children. You're one of the Best Humans I know in this world and I stand by it. I hope, pray and wish that a Human like you blesses the lives of countless to come. For it doesn't just have to be a father to do what you did for me. 

Words fail and seem utterly cliché when it comes to describing Humans like you.

To all the days when we experienced the strength and flexibility of your Heart.

To all the moments when you defied fear in never sense.

To the Lifetime of making us feel Human.

Love you.

Benefit of Doubt

Somewhere in 1990s.
I wrote neighbor as nebor. My class teacher had ticked it right. I came home. Mom pointed it out and asked, I said my teacher was okay with the spelling. She didn't insist contrary to me. Instead, she met the teacher and realized where the overlook may have occurred.
That day, as I recall today, helped me sustain the believe, the trust that often we need as children to cherish and continue believing that Teachers are Magical Humans. They teach.

Somewhere in 2010. I met a Human. She stopped a friend from making fun of my 'outregiously impossible dream of becoming the CEO of Boeing'. Not her duty as part of teaching me Finance for my business degree. I wondered, why would she stop another from disrespecting my dream. Or rather today, I wonder, why would she go beyond finance to Teach us something deeper.

Somewhere in 2015. I am lucky enough to be  meeting her as and when Life allows.

"Sultana, remember to always give benefit of doubt to relationships, people and situations in your life" her words were intriguing enough to bring my own chain of excited thoughts to halt. Completely.

"Benefit of doubt?" I asked.

Yes. We love placing people and situations in two categories. Good and bad.

You either place people in your good books or bad books.

If a person is in your bad books and does anything for you, no matter what, you'd always tend to judge the actions with suspicion, questioning the intentions behind the person's good act- no matter how pure.

If a person is in your good books and does something not so positive, you'd always tend to excuse the actions. You'd always give the person a benefit of doubt.

Benefit of Doubt.
There would be situations, people, relationships in your Life. Always remember to try and give each a benefit of doubt. Regardless of which book they belong to for you.

It is easier to assume and react. However, a wise mind suggests living beyond mundane, giving each situation a benefit of doubt. Excusing behaviors, attitudes. It often enables you to comprehend a situation in a wider context. Reaction is easy. Patience and benefit of doubt is wisdom.

I wondered as she concluded.

Pardon my clichéd struggle with words. But her words did radiate the energy to embrace humility as a skill imperative to survival and living beyond the mundane.

It is at school that we first learn to call an elder standing in front of us as a 'teacher'. However, during the course of our school life and beyond, we stumble across 'teachers' that help us not just think but indeed live beyond the mere living. By way of just a financial course and a business degree, they introduce us to the Wisdom and Learnings of Life, they present to us Ideas and Conversations that speak of a universe, of humans, of growth that contributes to greater evolution.

They are the reason why a degree doesn't just seem like a degree. They are the Magicians that don't just teach numbers and theories. They teach Life. They teach living. They continue interacting with our paths just and when we need them. They continue sowing seeds of Thoughts, just and when we need them.

Beautiful are these teachers that sow Humanity. Lucky are the people who have such Humans in their lives.

To all the treats, table talks, ideas, conversations, lunches and beyond - Thank you Ms Hameedah Siyani for teaching me Life. I still have that dream. CEO of Boeing. And I protect it. Thank you for teaching me how to respect and protect Dreams. Thank you for teaching me how to remain humble.

Thank you Ammi Abu for sowing the seeds of believing and valuing Teachers who define Humans.

One step. Each moment

I got up and took a step.
I sighed and took another.
I had so much to do so I took another because it became a habit.
In my joy, I yet took another one.
In my sorrow, I didn't know what to do, so I took another.

Each moment I took a step.
A step away.

And in my steps away, I kept yearning for You to not go anywhere.
And in the passing of moments and feeling Your Absence each moment, I kept wishing for You to stay.

Lest had I realized.
If only had I thought of.
If only had I whispered, Let me not go anywhere. For You were there, as I took a step away each second.

Nothing makes me understand depth of the following more than when I see people wondering about others' joys and their own sufferings.

I have never seen a grumpy person satisfied with life, just as I have never seen a happy person grumpy with life. It is all about how you comprehend life, experience joys and sufferings.

We all experience our share of joys and sufferings. We all consequently infer our experiences and evolve. Evolve to be either wise or bitter. Wisdom and bitterness are alternate choices. We choose to be either wise or bitter with what we lived, live or will live.

Feels so distant yet so near.

It feels so distant yet so near.
It feels so unreal yet so here.

It happened two years ago.

I'll never forget the tweet I read. Two years ago. Today.
I'll never forget the twitter handle of the tweet.

From grade 2 speeches to undergrad documentary.
He gave me the Yearning.
He taught me how to speak to God.

From my childhood to now, it just took a bullet to take it all away.

I used to forget the way I used to walk away from killings.
I used to forget the way I switched channels from attacks.

But from the day he died, I never forget.
I'll never forget how you all stood watching.
I'll never forget the way we still stand watching.

For we are more dead than this man who seems so alive in the hearts and minds of many around.

Who continues to let the dying pain ache within.
Who continues to tell me to not to forget for anyone, lest I forget.

you call it emotions lacking rationality.
you drag the case in the courts of politics.
you drag my faith and justify the killing.
you drag God to rationalise silence.
you update statuses for Peshawar. And then you forget.

You hashtag 'neverforget' as you slowly forget.

you bury the pain and you forget.

It feels so distant yet so near.
It feels so unreal yet so here.

I'll never forget.
And I pray you don't lose a legend so human or a child so angelic to make you not to forget.

To the man I can't ever do justice to in words.
To the man I can't ever thank enough.
To the Human I can't stop thinking of ways he helped.
To the chacha, to childhood bikerides, to school speeches and conversations.
To the legend the world yet so fondly remembers today.

the ideology that killed him taught me about the tradings of God.
the ideology that rationalises the silence and lazy excuses teaches me the falling price of God.
the one who calls me an idol worshiper and kills me teaches me about the powerful idol he is worshipping.

the one who kills to the one who stays silent to the one who forgets - teach me about the idol gods of fear, power, luxury, laziness and brainwashed versions of god - bought and sold around me in drawingrooms and circles today.

It feels so distant yet so near.
It feels so unreal yet so here.

It happened two years ago.

I'll never forget.
And I pray you don't lose a legend so human or a child so angelic to make you not to forget.

Two steps. One step.

The illusion broke.
The mirage disappeared.
The shatters and confines felt.

Breaking from less, I stirred into the quest for more.
More and more led to me to You.
More and more led me away from You.
In the more and less of each moment, I began looking for You.

Where Trust in Absolute began, The Yearning Began.

With every blessing, I felt You near.
With every giving, I felt You away.

I asked for You.
You gave me the rest.
I asked for You more.
You made me busy with the rest.
I asked.
You blessed.
I kept asking.
You kept blessing.

I drove into mirages, knowing they are mirages.
In each mirage, I felt You.
In each mirage, I felt away from You.

You made me feel your Permanence in the temporality of Now.

Each Now, Each blessing. Kept me away from You.
as much as it kept me Yearning for You.

Each blessing, I stepped away from You.
Each blessing, I fell for You.
Each blessing fulfilled a part of me, as much as it widened my Yearning for You.

I kept asking for You.
You kept giving me temporary figments of what seemed a part of You.

As I struggled to accept the blessings by You.
As I struggled to comprehend the pains of sufferings and the Joys of Your Blessings.

I stepped back from You each time.
You stepped forward in me all times.

I stepped from within me.
You stayed well within me.

In my Yearning, I found You.
In my emptiness, I found You.
In my inability to miss You, I found You.
In my heaviness of silence, I found You.

I found You in the pains and joys of Living the Blessings You kept giving.

Each time, I asked for You, You gave me a figment of your reflection, And in each part of that reflection, I found You.

In each moment of Yearning to Yearn for You, I found You.
In each moment of struggling to find You in Now, I found You.
In my sadness in failure to miss You, I found You.

In the world swinging from rationality to emotions outside, I found You in me, within me, intact in the Silence of Yearning I can't describe.

Each time, I fail my Love for You, I found You.
In my little brain  I take one step back. Two forward to You.

I stepped from within me.
You stayed well within me.

In each step back, in each step forward, I find You.

Greetings from another port city - I

As she smiled broadly, confidence and elegance seemed to worship her, clad in a black abaya, just like the rest in the city, she stood within the circle yet so far apart from the rest.

I turned to her husband whose eyes gave away tales of their successful relationship. A gentleman of 78 with a heart younger and a mind fresher than ours, I could see how nobody else could have complemented him as well as the graceful companion he has.

Breaking away from my thoughts, I heard another middle aged lady compliment as she joined the conversation. A compliment rather was a thought provoking query -formed around the thought that not everyone gets a perfect companion.

The graceful one turned back and smiled again. She then looked at me and delved into a conversation which kept me thinking.

And here is what I understood of that.

Nobody gets a perfect life. I mean none of us. Every single one of us have our joys. We have our sorrows. Happinessand suffering. Pain and no Pain. We all have our share of it.

Those with a wonderful companion may have other fair share of pains to combat in life. Those who feel they lack a wonderful companion may have other joys to cherish in life.

Just as soon as the girl announces her engagement, the world rushes to wish her, congratulate her and make her feel like the luckiest. The world in its fable nativity, ends up inculcating a dream where she will be 'taken care of'. With dresses, jewellery, love and flowers from her husband, she is made to feel like the luckiest (read: emotionally laziest) person on earth. Her emotions are suddenly picked up and thrown into another human's lap. This is when a girl starts expecting a perfect bubble where she has just met a perfect prince charming who is now responsible for her 'happiness'.

My husband is a perfect prince charming for me. I understand the intensity of skepticism with which my statement will be viewed as 'I am just newly married and recently in love and haven't spent decades with him to realize so'. Sadly, as much as I yearn to express the depth of my statement, I can't. What I feel for my husband will be brushed aside as fresher love rather than giving it a chance to celebrate the togetherness of humans at this moment in Time.

But the only person who did seem to understand my view besides my own mother was this graceful lady.

From my inference of her conversation,  cherishing that little bond of pain of differences (of interests, opinions, lifestyles and weaknesses) is what makes companionship worth it. As you live day in and day out with another human, you consciously, willingly make a choice of choosing to Feel the Joy of Suffering and Joy alike or surrender yourself to the inner confinement of Ego and Misery of how my life is not perfect.

Where we go, what we do and what we have matters less and seems to fall automatically in place when you consciously make a choice of living a peaceful life within. If your soul is at peace, then the journey of two completely different individuals living together becomes a happy one. They suddenly decide to look outside of themselves.

While the whole world closely monitors your frowns, your smiles, your gaze, your tummy bump and frantically wants to associate it somehow to your husband, you can choose to lovingly take back your emotions, own them as a strong human and decide to make your life with another person in a healthy way.

As we sat at Uncle and Aunty's place with a Valentine's cake that we had picked for them, they smiled, held the knife together and laughed a laugh independent of egoistic dependence of expectations. Living alone, their energy levels defy the burden of societal norms which often bog us down.

As we stood up to leave, she held my hand and gave me a little card. With words so cliché but with intensity of gaze that narrated a true story of her long term successful companionship.

Companionship which took time, energy, effort and Love. Nothing is perfect she whispered, make a choice to respect the man he is.

It made me recall my mom and dad's words of wisdom and realized just what she meant.