I do nothing but wonder.

History narrates how years ago, on this day, cousin and son-in-law of Muslims' last Prophet was attacked and killed while he was busy offering his prayers. What he said as he was attacked is what leaves me wondering.

I wonder at this man who utters his success when his enemy attacks him.
I wonder at this man's nafs that makes him utter so.
I wonder at this man's level of Nothingness.
His passion to be who he was.
I wonder at the loss of words to express what he could or still can mean to me.

I wonder just by looking at the shape of his words.
I wonder just merely by quoting his quotes.
I wonder just at the corners of his wisdom.
I wonder just at the start of his depth of knowledge
The intensity of my wonder is frustrating.
For even after years of knowing him, I know nothing of him.

From raising of my hand in his praise to the depth of my heart, I realize of my wonder as it lies entangled in the worldly nafs of shallowness.

I struggle to know if I praise him for I side with him or I praise him for I know him.
The ugliness of my shackles stare back, whispering of my failures to realise him still.

While he bows down to His Lord and claims success as he is attacked.
I sit here wondering at my ability to wonder as much as our inability to feel.

Then I wonder at the intensity of his loneliness.
Where a water well seemed to be a better recipient of his knowledge than a humanly intellect like ours.

He was alone then. He is alone still.

While History bears witness to politics played, swinging from the pages narrating him as the closest companion of Muhammad to a lonesome disappearance from books for 25years.

While History bears witness to what the world did to him and still does to him.

While the history bears witness to the undeniable silence and unquestionable isolation he faced.
I stand still struggling to break my inner silence and listen to him for real.

While the History bears witness to the world of hypocrisy outside.
I bear witness to my hypocrisy within.

While his words invite me still to explore the depths of wisdom and knowledge.
I bear witness alone to my inability to grasp him still.

I bear witness to failing my nafs as much as I bear witness to having him teach me how to control my nafs.

And all awhile, I yet inevitably and uncontrollably end up where I first felt him right.

Where I first felt him lonely.
Where I felt felt him jolt my existing paradigms of success.
As he prostrated to His Lord and while his enemy attacked. He claimed success.

I yet wonder at the definition of success.
But then, faulty or not, with my shackled nafs, I struggle to understand his definition of success.

What more can I utter of the sickness within.

How Rich is the man that reaches across Time to offer me Knowledge still.
How poor the student I am for failing him each time.

How vast is Ali's Lord that make Ali who Ali is.
How confiding is my nafs to make me as dark as I feel.

He who offers water to his killer.
I who side with Ali for reasons yet unexplored.

The world moves on, shrugging away and brushing aside an event a mere event. A loss a mere loss.
While my ego fights and defends him on rigorous grounds.
While Ali offers water to his killer today.
While Ali yet invites seekers to his gates today.

He knew his enemies well yet so humble he remained. The epitome of Justice. How beautiful a human.
While I, I befriend the nafs within.

The world within feels the intensity not felt. For Love unexplored. For Knowledge untouched. For wisdom yet unattained.

How humble is Ali. How Majestic His Lord.
And how naive of me to nothing but wonder.

He who yet says 'Ask me before you lose me'
I who yet hesitate fighting my nafs to reach the gates of his grandeur.

I who stand poor and ugly bound in the shackles of my ego at his gates.

And How Majestic of His Lord who gives me a chance each moment.
How Generous of His Ali who makes me yet fall in love with His Lord despite my ugliness.

Don't give me religions and gods and wars and which language to call my Lord.
Don't give me people and the world outside.
Give me of Humans so humble, of faith so universal, of Peace so Peaceful, of of a man who directs you to a Lord so Beautiful. Of a man who gives you of Universe so Vast.

I who nothing but wonder at this man.