I dont know what I've been blessed with.
Juggling with her in my arms on the right while struggling to type from my left as she dictates.
From thoughts to blog running every feed session, I feel my only blog has become this little one in my arms.
Despite wanting one, despite praying for one, despite expecting one and despite delivering one last month; despite all these despites, I actually dont know what I've been blessed with.
Staring into these eyes and realizing how a human rejecting all arms and efforts of others is crying her lungs out only to cling to you is a very very intense and deep realisation to conquer. Imagine, at the age of 28, in this whole wide world, there's a human who doesn't want anyone besides you. Now recall. Has any human ever needed you so purely before in all these years. Nope. This need. This pure need is intense. Addictive. Impending a heavy sense of 'Here I am' but hesitant as arms of weakling mere piece of flesh accepts a strong piece of existence in her arms.
As I hold her, the distance between sultana as a mere human prone to mistakes and Sultana as a mother that a pure soul is clinging for is immense.
Sultana as a mother puts sultana as a human in backseat. Crushing the guilt of all these years of wrongdoings, Sultana as a mother takes charge to be the best self to this little one. Without even consulting Sultana as a human. Sultana as a human is too far ashamed to hold this blessing anyway.
I don't know what I've been blessed with because I don't know how God can bless the purest piece of His creation into arms of mere humans filled with years of dust, dirt and distance from God.
Perhaps then, Zainab is not dependent on me. She infact is merely dependent for her worldly needs. Sultana on the other hand feels immensely dependent on this little guide that in mere 30days has already and strongly crushed and selfishly burnt all past years of everything. She seems to be already challenging and realigning the concept of Humanity and Love.
She is deep and intense. Her gaze converses far more than my years of knowledge.
I, I am weak and fragile. Ashamed of existence in front of the purest.
Even my realisation is shallow. She cuts through the worldly crap to reach the Human I never knew existed.
In between diapers, poops, endless crying sessions and every hour feeds, she guides my words and dictates my thoughts and pens down in my heart what I have never known.
Strangely. She tells of worlds and thoughts so peaceful and beyond the mundane.
Nope. I don't know what I've been blessed with. I know as of now she stands as the closest connection to Him. Far above and beyond the limiting concept of a mere result of biological reproduction. She seems to speak of Peaceful worlds, of mystical sense of some entity all encompassing and Magical.
To the world it maybe blabbing of a new mom, to me every bit so rational so logical yet so mystical.
The closest glimpse of what Life is and could be. The closest whisper of Absolute Purity, Joy and Humanity, her existence telling tales of universes unknown.
She is the closest that I could ever reach God.
